Proven online dating openers
But while you may be a boring dolt who is a complete drain on society, I’m a creative genius, and have perfected the art of openers. – Just enrolled for health insurance via Obamacare. PHILOSOPHICAL OPENERS: – Sometimes I question why God allows bad things to happen to good people. – Fuck, Marry, Kill: Nietzsche, Kierkegaard, Dostoyevsky? Let’s cut to the chase—call me an insensitive, self-involved, immature asshole and break up with me. Been playing with my nephew and his new puppy in a flower patch all day while helping to feed the homeless. – Guess who’s no longer on his parents cell phone bill…?
Today, on this blog, I am giving away 42 openers to all of you…COMPLETELY FREE OF CHARGE. – If the technology existed, do you think it would be ethical for scientists to clone you? AGGRESSIVE OPENERS: – Ya know what the difference is between you and an angel? – I’ve thought it over, and I’m okay with you keeping our yet-to-be-conceived baby.
All I ask for in terms of payment is that if one of my openers helps you land a girl, you think of me when you hook up with her (but not, like, in a gay way or anything, be cool). What should we order for breakfast the morning after our date? And if so, do you think your clone would be down for a threesome? SELF-CONSCIOUS OPENERS: – Can’t believe we matched together. – I feel silly asking you this, you probably get hit up by like fifty guys a day, I know you’re out of my league, and there’s no shot you’ll ever respond to this, but I just wanted to say, this is so stupid, you’re probably showing this to all your friends right now and laughing, my god, I am just not cut out for this… – Tell me about the biggest trauma in your life, give me your address, leave the door unlocked, I’ll be there in fifteen. – I would hate it if you met an untimely demise prior to our first date…
Not every girl calls for the same opener, so I’ve grouped them based on different situations. Using a Flirty Opener when the girl’s profile clearly calls for an Edgy Opener could lead to disaster. CONFIDENT OPENERS: – Just got a haircut without running it by my mom. KEEP IN MIND, I AM GLUTEN INTOLERANT AND ALLERGIC TO NUTS. – After looking at your pictures, my pants feel like Syria—a lot of unrest. You’re so pretty, and physically speaking, I am simply hideous.
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